Has God really messed up my life?

Feb23, 2020

 

This Sunday message (Mark 4:21-34) was quite a shocking and fresh interpretation of the passage. Especially, this is one of the parables, in which Jesus says continuously, "who has ears to hear". I heard messages according to this passage more than 10 times, it was naturally formulated that the mustard seed interpreted good, good one which we should be.  

 

Actually, when we Bible study of this passage, I raised the question about the destructive effects of the mustard seed on the managed garden, Pastor Henry leads to ears opening conclusion to his message. 

 

The kingdom of heaven is like a small mustard seed which will grow the biggest tree in the garden and even birds can perch its branch. The main point is we are not the mustard seed but that garden. Most of the famous people in the Bible lived like these parables. Their life does not go on smoothly after they encounter God. Jesus shifted His course to an intermediate level when He chose 12 disciples. No more easy-peasy teaching like the entry-level.  

 

Most people dream of living a well-planned life. Get a good job, a lovely partner and make a beautiful home. Is there someone who wants to mess up their life? In the Bible, We can easily find lots of people who messed up their planned life, like Joseph, Moses, Mary, and Saul. As we know or not, life didn't go as we hoped, even with God or without God.   

 

The main thing is that messed up life will turn out beautifully if we are with God. There are no meaningless struggles (Joseph), meaningless waiting (Moses), meaningless decisions (Mary), or meaningless suffering(Saul).  

 

I also hope to live a peaceful and happy life. I never planned to live outside of Korea. I never dreamed of marrying a foreign girl. I pledged myself from a young age, I would never be a father or a husband if I didn't have a good job. However, it turns out differently, what happened in my life?  

 

I was an old bachelor who barely earned enough to feed myself. My father and Stepmother went bankrupt when they tried to pioneer a church without a proper plan. My elder sister also hard to surviving economically. There is no way out. I wailing to God, let me live or die. If you don't want to help me, let me live whatever I want. I want to skip but I cannot miss the worship service because I live in the chapter building. I was somewhat depressed. I finally found out that I cannot produce any good but only evil thoughts by myself. One of the shepherdess's suggestions, I tried hard to find 10 thankful topics every day by carrying a pen and a small note to write. Within 3weeks, I got a Job, restored my relationship with God, and even served as a messenger for a retreat. I begin to believe, 'God is good, all the time' and 'He knows me better than I'. I accepted the suggestion with a foreign girl without any second thought. Actually, that's not 'normal' for me who is worrying all the time but everything going smoothly without any hindrance or trouble. I remember my wedding message which Pastor Henry delivered. Revelation 3:8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.  

 

You may know what happened in my life. We dated only a week before we married except by Skype. In the beginning, there was no romance in our marriage but we hope to make a beautiful family by God's grace. My wife and I have struggled a lot for 3years to adjust to each other. I didn't know her and she didn't know me literally. I was alone in this new world. Even I stopped attending worship service and refused to meet anyone. I took antidepressants for more than a year. I doubted God's goodness in my life. I said 'God, You messed up my life'.  

 

However, God works in our relationship slowly but gradually. Around 4 years after we married, we are more understand each other more and accept who we are. I really believe that God knows better than I, Who is best for me. I love her more as time goes by. Definitely, this life is not what I planned. If I keep my own pledge, I may still remain an old bachelor who doesn't have anyone or anything. But I became a husband and a father and house owner when I had no job by God's master plan. I know I still focused on myself, not on others. I still struggling with job issues. I still worry about the next. I need more faith to believe in who is with me. I already studied the next passage, 'Jesus said to Jacob, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” Help me to overcome my unbelief.  

 

P.S. While I wrote this reflection, I happened to listen to the hymn, 'It is well with my soul'. This song soothes my heart because that garden can be in battleground all the time.