How does the child become a disciple? / 간증

August 5, 2020

 

My son keeps asking me to buy a pet doggy. When I was young, I also loved to have pets.  

However, I don't want to buy it for him. There are several issues. One of the reasons is that a small, cute pet doggy will grow into a bigger and older dog. Most people like to see babies because of their cuteness. People are looking for video clips for babies and small animals. It gave us a reminiscence of when we were young.  

 

Jesus challenged disciples to be like a child. It may mean childlike simple and pure faith depending on parents. However, it's hard(impossible) to do that. Because we're already grown-ups with at least 20 years of life experience. 

 

I worried about everything because I should protect myself from fights between parents. I should be a good boy at least I may not be a reason the initiate the fight. My childhood's first prayer topic was peace in our family. When my mother was sick with cancer, I eagerly prayed and even vowed to dedicate my life to God if she got healed. 

 

I lost her. She was sick for 4 years before she died. I was a 10-year-old boy when she started sick. I lost all memories with her completely right after she died. (I was like the Jacob who thinks mom is everything) I don't know why I cannot remember her at all but I think that also God's grace for me. I later understood it when I got much older.  

 

However, I feel betrayed by God. I hate the father who fought with Mom. I hate my sister who let down Mom's heart. I hate God who gives me false hope like, "Everything is possible who believes." but took away Mom.  

I hate myself who cannot save her. I cannot be a child anymore to believe naively what is written in the Bible. 

 

 Father, sister and I should bear each other. When my stepmother came to us, we were happy for Father. However, it's so hard to mingle with her because of her weird practice of the gospel. My sister and I could not bear her anymore, we started living alone. As for me, the university is a good excuse to escape from all bounding especially from God and the hypocrisy of Christians. I hated to be called Christian. I was envious of my Buddhist childhood friend and his family who welcomed me every time. 

 

However, I end up living in a common home in UBF on my first visit to look for housing for university. There's a saying, "Escape the frying pan but into the fire." I said to my Bible teacher, "My neck is tied up by God's leash." I cannot escape from God. Disciples and missionary are totally opposite words to me. I was happy to be served by UBF people as a sheep. I didn't want to serve others and to be a shepherd until I graduated. 

 

I was away from UBF for 5 years. During that time I attended local churches. I struggled to survive literally. Getting a good job is my first priority to secure myself. My dream job was to be a government worker. To pass the exam I need to support myself. I tried countless jobs and even escaped from weird working places by giving up days of wages. Every time I should prepare myself for the worst scenario. During those days, I injured my back at a day labour job which was quite serious. I should take care of myself.  I still remember the pain I had to swallow alone on the floor with tears. I'm all alone in this world. I have to find something to protect me. I hope to be God is the one who protects me but I still had the scar of betrayal.  

 

By God's grace, I got help from a church member to get a line-worker job at a car manufacturing company. Through this job, I paid back all my university tuition debts and saved money to prepare for my last dream job exam. I also experienced new things in these times. I had a relationship with a girl in church and broke up bitterly. I tasted the human's love which I longed for years and how fragile it disappeared. Also, I found brotherly love who really supported me all these years. He opened his home and gave me almost everything I needed. He changed my work to easier places where I could work with him. Eat with him, go to church sincerely with him. He supported me when I struggled with a broken heart. He advised and helped me to save money for the future. For me, he was a counsellor, a big brother, a friend, a co-worker, a shepherd, etc. I loved him more than my parents. However, I cannot have a chance to say I love you dearly. During I still struggled to get a job in Seoul away from him, even though he said to come back if I was too tired before, I got a late obituary of him from others. They even concerned me if I heard this news, doing something foolish things.  

 

How God? This is twice. You already take away the most precious person from me. And again? I tried to follow you now and again, even you betrayed me once. I forgave you. You didn't give me a good job, also you didn't give me great faith which is not shaking. If you don't want to bless me, at least let me die peacefully.

This is a shout to God after I failed the government exams and kept failing to get a good job, my sister also struggled to survive, and my parents lost their home and bankrupt to follow false belief in God's church. My heart was filled with bitterness toward God who did not save me from my predicament. I tried to erase God from my life and did whatever I wanted.  

 

I hit the rock bottom of despair. However, there's nothing good coming out of my heart. I finally agreed that I am sinful naturally and there is no hope in me. I surrendered to God and tried to find 10 thanks topics literally every day. I accepted which only I can do is pray to mold my heart, praise His sovereignty, and thank Him. All my choices have gone wrong ways until now. So, God, you take control of my life, and my future. This is the timing, introduced Shep lady. (I'm surprised there's someone who can be a candidate for me. I do not deserve to marry yet) God, you know better than I, myself. You are good always. This is Your choice, not mine, so it goes wrong I will blame you. (Later, I started to blame God even right after the wedding ceremony. It took almost 4 years to adjust to each other and accept she is the best gift in my life)  

 

 Amazingly, I didn't do anything for this marriage. I don't worry at all. That was not me. Normal me was worried all the time and could not decide easily and think of every option of the possibility of something going wrong. But, I found peace in all this preparation for leaving Korea and marrying someone I don't know well in the new world. Even, that was the first time to go abroad. I tasted God's grace and perfect protection upon me through all this transition. Yes, I said to myself, again and again, it was not me. I acknowledged many people pray for me and my marriage. They knew how I was vulnerable and needed to totally depend on God alone. This period was fully dependent on God's leading of my life. I didn't worry or doubt for worst cases comes because I left all to God to lead. That's the time I may experience healing and restoration from all self-defence fighting within myself and outside.  

 

However, it was broken so fast when I claimed my idea with my wife a few months later. I got on all old myself. The fear overtook me more intensely than in Korea. I need to survive with a defenselessly naked heart and frustration comes and depression. This depression intensity has ups and downs. Once it gets on me, it's hard to take away from me. It makes it harder to see positive ways. God blessed me a lot like, a wife, a son, a house, and even a job but still depression got me to blame and die which is opposite to God’s purpose for me.  

 

Through Mark's gospel studies, I can see more clearly and gradually about God, Jesus, myself, and discipleship. I recalled how God carried me to this new world 8 years ago. How grateful and peaceful when I leave all to God. All problem comes when I think, 'I',  'my', 'me', 'mine' not God. 'I' thought it's not the way, 'I' want to be blessed through My father, God keep showering His blessings on me. I remember all I can do is thank, pray and praise God. Help me to keep declaring, 'It's Your fight, I just wait and see Your deliverance through Your servant's life'. I'm still finding you.  

 

Dear God, I'm your old pet dog though I don't have any cuteness anymore. There were many attempts to bite the leash off from me, but you've held me tight not to fall off into danger. Help me to remember my life is in your hands and leave worry, the anxiety of life matters to you. Help me to focus on thanks to You, pray to You, and praise to You alone.